CAREN THOMPSON

 

A personal exploration of the loss of family, the celebration of life and becoming an artist. 

Grief has consumed my life since I was 22. The loss of my father at a young age spiralled myself into confusion and a deep depression. It left me bewildered and alone with a unshakable need to know the true meaning of life.  I had no understanding of grief or what I grieving process was. I had no strong connections or support network. I bumbled my way through university and left feeling less knowledgeable about what I was doing with my life than before.

Counselling was a starting place where I could delve into my past and understand the person I was and the person I wanted to be.  Still I experience a deep longing and sadness haunts me. The longing to have my father in my life is an obviously reason to be sad but on a deeper level I battle with life and making the most off my time here. After witnessing the life drain away from my father I question my own mortality.  I am hypochondriac and incredible jaded with life.

Saturday 17th February 2018 by auntie passed away and a month later her mother my Nanna passed too.

The resurgence of grief slowly started to seep upwards from my feet and flood throughout my body.  Shock from the loss of my family members was held, clenched in my womb space. This was going to be hard to understand. I want to own my grief and celebrate the love I hold for this two women instead of burying it and hoping the sadness will subside.

Arriving back from holiday the familiar feeling of dread and certainty of falling into post holiday blues hung over me like a typical South Pennie raincloud. One day in and this is further from the truth. The sun is shinning and after work I pick up a leaflet for the Pushing Up Daisies festival, which was currently underway in Todmorden.

I scanned the days events and a talk/discussion group started in the next half hour. ‘Staying Connected. How can we stay connected with loved ones who have crossed the threshold of death?”  I head to the car to make the 20mins drive to Tod. For most of us the thought of death and losing a loved one brings sadness and is taboo.  Probably the last thing one needs to be thinking about post holiday. For me this felt like what I needed. To able explore the feelings I have for my family members that have recently passed. Can this help me solidify my ideas for creating an art piece that would celebrate and help us all remember only loved ones.

The women only group gathered in a small community venue. The door swung wide open letting the fresh breeze flow through the room as the sun streamed through the windows. Welcomed by Marilyn Edwards the speaker, a women who spoke with strength, passion, honesty and wisdom of death.  Marilyn was very much alive with her ideas and beliefs of the afterlife and spirit and shared from the heart. All of us had a chance to share, in a welcoming, none judgemental environment.

I started to feel I sense of coming home. Sitting in a women circle, talking freely about a subject which most people would find uncomfortable.  It excited me. Yes! I wanted to talk about how to remember my love ones. Keep there memory alive. They are part of me. Part of my family.